When I find out I’ll let you know. I’m coming upon a year, no opiate use. I still feel like I lost someone I love very much. It’s like a bad break up and I still love the person.I smoke pot, that’s my one big vice, and it is one of the best mood stabilizers I’ve ever used. I replaced lithium with thc, (bi polar type 1) and it works wonders. By nature I can be a very depressed person, but post drug use, that depression is capable of reaching much lower depths. It very hard to stay sober, some days I can’t think of a single good reason not to use, even my little boy who I quit for in the first place. I just think “I’m not going to be of any use as a father” because besides addiction, opiates regulated my mood. I was better able to cope, more patient and relaxed. Using didn’t make me a bad person, like many drug addicts the drugs improved things if anything, which is one of those dangerous truths that haunt some drug addicts.I’m in a good relationship, she stuck by me throughout my addiction and she’s still here. I had NO sex drive when I was using, we would go weeks maybe even months a few times without having sex. The desire is back, and we have sex a lot. We get kinda weird (I’ll spare the details) but its a healthy enjoyable thing for humans to do, it’s definitely intoxicating. We also have a strong relationship in other ways, we go on “dates” now a lot more. Sometimes we just jump in the car and drive for hours just to get some sushi from a really good hibachi place in Lexington, Ky. We go to horror movie conventions and I actually have money for autographs and merch now.I take care of my son full time, so I have a lot of work on my hands most days. He’s my only kid, just turned 1, and I love it, I love being a father. He’s the weirdest little dude. Having this little person to stay alive for helps more than anything.I also used Kratom as a heroin replacement after trying to use as replacement therapy, but found it harder to get off of than real heroin ( withdrawal can last up to a month) so I still take Kratom, and it’s enough for now. It really doesn’t do too much, but it calms my nerves enough that I don’t instantly think of going back to a needle when bad things happen.Sometimes it just sucks. I wish I never knew what opiates even felt like in the first place. When something difficult happens I can’t help but imagine how much easier it would be to deal with it if i had a shot. But being clean is one of the only things I can pat myself on the back for. Sometimes I just keep at it because I think I can’t, I KNEW I could never get this far. It’s a macho thing, I do think it makes me tough. It’s evidence for me that I am a good father. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m very proud of myself. I’m not ashamed to say so.